Press conferences (tram only)
Held exclusively from the front carriage of the Altrincham service. Questions are taken between stops, drowned out by the bell at Cornbrook.
What we do
A full menu of public-facing activity, none of which technically requires being an MP. Use this page to access the services you didn't ask for and won't be billed for separately.
Photo ops at pie shops
Daily appearances at independent bakeries within 400m of a Sky News van. Pie consumption simulated; pie not actually swallowed.
Strategic scarf adjustment
A team of three advisors ensures the scarf is precisely 30% off-centre, communicating both 'man of the people' and 'man with a stylist'.
Sounding like you mean it
Bespoke voice coaching: every sentence ends as if it were the closing line of a Ken Loach film, even when you're ordering a meal deal.
Ruling things out
We pre-emptively rule out anything we are clearly already doing. Service available 24/7, with same-day denials.
Northern grit (export grade)
Bottled, badged and shipped to broadsheet columnists weekly. Now available in flat-cap and overcast varieties.
Open letters to the Cabinet
Drafted in haste, leaked in advance, printed on the front page, denied by lunchtime.
Mayoral statue feasibility studies
Currently considering 12 town squares. Shortlist will be announced as soon as the bronze arrives.
Can't find what you're looking for?
That's by design. Try our Question Deflector 3000 instead.