Five pledges. Each one carefully worded so that, in the unlikely event they are ever measured, no one can confirm whether they happened.
We will devolve responsibility for every unpopular decision to Westminster, and every popular one to ourselves. A consultation will be launched, then ignored.
Delivery date: shortly after we replace the current Prime Minister, which we are doing for entirely selfless reasons.
By 2031 the average M62 traffic jam will be levelled-up to the same standard as the M25. Cones provided by an unspecified family member of a donor.
Delivery date: shortly after we replace the current Prime Minister, which we are doing for entirely selfless reasons.
Every household will be entitled to its own elected mayor, complete with scarf, regional accent, and a press release decrying London.
Delivery date: shortly after we replace the current Prime Minister, which we are doing for entirely selfless reasons.
Subject to a 47-page briefing note, a media training refresher, and final sign-off from a focus group in Stevenage. Provisional. Indicative. Non-binding.
Delivery date: shortly after we replace the current Prime Minister, which we are doing for entirely selfless reasons.
All future press conferences will be conducted from the Metrolink. Photographers must travel as far as Altrincham at their own expense.
Delivery date: shortly after we replace the current Prime Minister, which we are doing for entirely selfless reasons.
Pledges are illustrative. Any resemblance to actual policy is the result of an unfortunate clerical error. This document now officially constitutes a leadership bid, having spent the last nine years officially not constituting one. The author thanks everyone who said "we always knew" — you did, and so did he.