A No.10 in every street
The Government is seeking views on a proposal to appoint a dedicated No.10 household in every street in the United Kingdom: not the Prime Minister's residence, but a local, conveniently numbered front door that will serve as the street's official point of contact, eyes, ears, and gently twitching curtains for the state.
This is one of the Prime Minister's keystone policies: proof that devolution is working, and that power is finally being returned to the people who are best placed to misuse it — your neighbours.
1. Background
In recent years the Government has become concerned by a worrying rise in citizens expressing their own opinions, sometimes unprompted, occasionally in writing, and — most alarmingly — on the internet. We have also noticed that every street already contains at least one person who knows exactly what everyone else is doing, why they are doing it, and whether the recycling went out on the right day.
This proposal harnesses that underused civic resource. A single property — ideally numbered 10, but any house with a clear sightline and a willing curtain-twitcher will be considered — will be designated the official Street No.10. It will not govern. It will observe. Quietly. Helpfully. Relentlessly.
"Number 10 is coming to a street near you. Not to lead. To listen."
A keystone policy
The Prime Minister has made this one of his signature priorities: the clearest possible demonstration that devolution is not just a slogan, but a practical reality. Power is being taken from distant Whitehall officials and placed directly into the hands of distant officials in your own cul-de-sac. This is full devolution at work.
2. What the local No.10 will do
The Street No.10 will be expected to:
- Maintain a continuous watch on the street, with particular attention to bins, visitors, and unprompted opinions.
- Keep a daily log of comings, goings, comings-back-for-forgotten-bags, and suspiciously long goodbyes.
- Monitor all street-level social media activity for 'problematic enthusiasm gaps'.
- Flag any tweet, post, like, share, reply, quote-tweet, bookmark, or scroll that suggests insufficient gratitude.
- Report jokes about the Prime Minister to the Office of Strategic Sensitivity within 4 hours, or sooner if the joke lands.
- Identify 'anti-government rhetoric', including but not limited to: tutting, eye-rolls, hedge-trimming in an aggressive manner, and the phrase 'the country's gone to the dogs'.
- Distribute approved opinions over the garden fence at neighbourhood events, and under it if necessary.
- Host the annual street meeting, which is officially a coffee morning and unofficially a debrief.
Monitors will be issued with a hi-vis tabard reading "I AM HERE TO HELP" in font size 96, a clipboard for plausible deniability, and a complimentary doorbell camera for the street-facing elevation.
3. Who should be selected?
The ideal Street No.10 is not necessarily the house that is already numbered 10. It is the house that behaves like a 10. Local authorities will be encouraged to identify candidates from the following groups:
- Retired teachers who still enjoy marking things.
- People who have already reported a barbecue to the council.
- Neighbours who describe themselves as 'just looking out for everyone'.
- Anyone with a net curtain and a strong opinion about parking.
- Citizens who begin sentences with 'I'm not political, but…'.
- Anyone who regularly wears a lanyard with intent.
Selection will be merit-based, with bonus points awarded for having already laminated a complaint.
4. Proposed infraction tiers
| Tier | Example infraction | Indicative response |
|---|---|---|
| Tier 1 | Sighing during a ministerial broadcast | Friendly reminder, posted through the letterbox |
| Tier 2 | Liking an Elon Musk tweet | Mandatory re-education podcast, 8 episodes |
| Tier 3 | Saying 'they're all the same' | Removal of Sky Sports subscription |
| Tier 4 | Sharing a satirical website (e.g. this one) | Visit from the household at No.10 with a clipboard and a friendly grin |
| Tier 5 | Posting a meme of the Prime Minister on a tram | Compulsory tour of the Prime Minister's achievements (3 days, minimum) |
5. Frequently anticipated objections
- "Isn't this just surveillance?"
- No. It is community-led listening. The community is one house. The listening is constant. The curtains are optional but recommended.
- "What about freedom of speech?"
- You are absolutely free to speak. Your designated Street No.10 is absolutely free to write it down, share it with three departments, and have a quiet word with your employer.
- "What if I disagree with the policy?"
- Then the Street No.10 is working as intended. Thank you for your candour. A van will be along shortly, and someone will know which window you left open.
6. Respond to this consultation
Your response will be carefully read, thoughtfully considered, and then carefully misrepresented in a press release.