Social Monitors in every No.10
The Government is seeking views on a proposal to install a dedicated Social Monitor in every household in the United Kingdom whose front door is (a) painted black and (b) numbered 10. Affected properties will be allocated a trained community observer to help residents identify their own infractions before anyone else has to.
1. Background
In recent years the Government has become concerned by a worrying rise in citizens expressing their own opinions, sometimes unprompted, occasionally in writing, and — most alarmingly — on the internet. To address this, the Government proposes the deployment of a Social Monitor to every black door numbered 10, beginning with Westminster, Manchester, and the seventeen Wetherspoons currently identifying as No.10.
2. Duties of a Social Monitor
The Social Monitor will be expected to:
- Observe the household at all reasonable hours, and most unreasonable ones.
- Maintain a daily log of utterances, gestures, sighs and meaningful pauses.
- Monitor all social media activity for ‘problematic enthusiasm gaps’.
- Flag any tweet, post, like, share, reply, quote-tweet, bookmark or scroll that suggests insufficient gratitude.
- Report jokes about the Mayor to the Office of Strategic Sensitivity within 4 hours.
- Identify ‘anti-government rhetoric’, including but not limited to: tutting, eye-rolls, and the phrase ‘the country's gone to the dogs’.
- Distribute approved opinions over the garden fence at neighbourhood events.
Monitors will be issued with a hi-vis tabard reading "I AM HERE TO HELP" in font size 96, and a clipboard for plausible deniability.
3. Proposed infraction tiers
| Tier | Example infraction | Indicative response |
|---|---|---|
| Tier 1 | Sighing during a ministerial broadcast | Friendly reminder, posted through the letterbox |
| Tier 2 | Liking an Elon Musk tweet | Mandatory re-education podcast, 8 episodes |
| Tier 3 | Saying 'they're all the same' | Removal of Sky Sports subscription |
| Tier 4 | Sharing a satirical website (e.g. this one) | Visit from a man with a clipboard and a friendly grin |
| Tier 5 | Posting a meme of the Mayor on a tram | Compulsory tour of the Mayor's achievements (3 days, minimum) |
4. Frequently anticipated objections
- "Isn't this just surveillance?"
- No. It is community-led listening. The community is us. The listening is constant.
- "What about freedom of speech?"
- You are absolutely free to speak. We are absolutely free to write it down, share it with three departments, and have a quiet word with your employer.
- "What if I disagree with the policy?"
- Then the Monitor is working as intended. Thank you for your candour. A van will be along shortly.
5. Respond to this consultation
Your response will be carefully read, thoughtfully considered, and then carefully misrepresented in a press release.