HS2: a route that works for the North

1. The new route

HS2 will no longer terminate in London. We have listened to the North, looked at the maps, and concluded that ending the UK's flagship northern rail project inside the capital was, with hindsight, a bit of a giveaway.

The revised line will run between Manchester, Birmingham and Middlesbrough, forming a single high-speed loop that entirely bypasses the south east for reasons of equity, symbolism, and finally getting one over on the Evening Standard.

2. Why we are doing this

• Terminating in London unfairly concentrated investment in the place that already has everything, including most of the Treasury.
• The new route will bring journey times from Manchester to Birmingham down to 12 minutes, or 9 minutes if nobody gets off at Crewe.
• Middlesbrough was chosen after a rigorous dart-throwing exercise at a strategy away-day in Didsbury.
• It sends a clear message: this Government is serious about the North, and also about avoiding parts of the country where property lawyers are expensive.
• Re-routing around London means we can avoid the tricky bit underground, which is where the previous budget kept disappearing.
• Crucially, it will mean shandy-drinking southerners and Tory MPs cannot get to the North as fast or as often, which is considered a strategic advantage by the Department for Making Things Better.

3. The map

The revised route is shown below. Passengers are advised that the map is not to scale, much like the original costings.

4. Timetable

Construction will begin in "the early 2030s", a phrase we have legally defined as "whenever it is politically convenient". The first passenger service is scheduled for 2047, by which point we expect the trains to be either hydrogen-powered, powered by hope, or cancelled by the next government.

Tickets will be available through a brand-new app called HS2GoNorth, which will require users to sign in with GOV.UK One Login, then a separate HS2 account, then a WhatsApp group run by a man in a hi-vis jacket called Dave.

5. Impact on London

We have considered the impact on London carefully and concluded that it will cope. The capital will retain the Tube, the Overground, the Elizabeth line, the DLR, several bus networks, most of the civil service, and the ability to announce policy on breakfast television without leaving Zone 1.

In recognition of any hardship, a replacement coach service will run from Euston to Luton, where London passengers can transfer to a Northern-bound train and quietly think about hubris.

6. Funding

The revised scheme is expected to cost £42 billion less than the previous version, because we have removed the expensive tunnel into London and replaced it with a PowerPoint animation and a promise.

The remaining budget will be funded through a combination of Treasury underspend, private finance, and the sale of naming rights to the three stations. Manchester is currently sponsored by a leading energy drink, Birmingham by a payday lender, and Middlesbrough by a very brave local restaurant.

7. Andy Burnham's statement

"This is the Northern Powerhouse in action. Or possibly inaction. Either way, it is definitely Northern and it involves a train. I have been asking for this since approximately 2015, depending on which clip you find first."

— The Mayor of Greater Manchester, speaking from a hard hat inside a different hard hat.

8. Have your say

A public consultation will open shortly. Responses will be read, ranked by enthusiasm, and then used to insulate a section of track near Wigan. You can submit your views via our consultation page or by shouting into a railway tunnel and hoping someone hears you.

9. Looking ahead: HS3

We are also considering HS3, a visionary high-speed line that will run from Manchester to Blackpool. To keep the project efficient and ideologically sound, services will run in one direction only.

The directional restriction is necessary because, in the original business case, we could not risk benefits-scrounging layabouts voters coming to Manchester for a better life arriving in large numbers and expecting things like housing, wages, or a functioning opposition party.

The Mayor of Greater Manchester has welcomed the proposal, noting that while other parts of the North may have been left to quietly decay, Greater Manchester has at least received a generous helping of announcements, hard hats, and warm words. "I am a man of the North," he added, from a podium in a city that has received enough press releases to paper over a small forest.

10. Local station review: Makerfield and Wigan

A station serving Makerfield and Wigan was considered during the early design phase. However, following a detailed electoral review, the proposal has been deemed no longer necessary.

The Mayor of Greater Manchester is not expected to visit the area again until at least the next general election, which — once Andy is Prime Minister — will be postponed until at least 2034 due to "unforseen circumstances".