Devolution: power, closer to the people

1. A keystone policy

Full devolution remains one of the Prime Minister-in-Waiting's keystone policies. The principle is simple: power should sit as close to the people as possible, ideally within walking distance of a tram stop in Greater Manchester.

Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will continue to receive more powers, on the way, in the coming months, in due course, and via further announcements to be announced.

2. The new map

For clarity, the Department for Things That Sound Like Devolution has issued a revised constitutional map of the United Kingdom.

3. Greater Greater Manchester

The northern half of England has been re-designated Greater Greater Manchester, a mayor-led authority answerable to the King of the North and, on a rotating basis, to whichever tram is running on time that day.

• More powers on the way.
• More announcements about powers on the way.
• More photographs of the Prime Minister-in-Waiting standing near things, on the way.
• Northumberland, Yorkshire, Lancashire and Cumbria will be quietly absorbed for administrative tidiness. They may keep their accents.

4. Lesser Manchester

The southern half of England has been re-designated Lesser Manchester. The status is as follows:

• No devolution.
• No parliament.
• Not under review.
• No further powers will be devolved to this area.
• There are no plans to devolve power here, and there will not be plans to make plans.

Residents of Lesser Manchester are reminded that they already enjoy the Tube, the Treasury, the Civil Service, the BBC, and most of the country's lawyers, and should consider that their settlement.

5. England

There will be no English Parliament. There will be no English First Minister. There will be no English Assembly, Convention, Forum, Citizens' Panel or even Working Group.

We have considered the West Lothian question carefully and concluded that it is a question, which is already more than it deserves. England will continue to be governed by whoever a Labour government in Westminster on behalf of itself, with occasional gestures towards the regions in the form of branded high-vis jackets.

Any attempt to raise the subject of an English Parliament will be referred to the Office of Strategic Sensitivity, which will log it, lose it, and then deny that it was ever raised.

6. Why this is fair

Devolution is about bringing power closer to the people. Under the revised settlement, power will be brought extremely close to approximately 2.9 million people in Greater Manchester, and held at a polite but firm distance from everyone else.

This is, by any reasonable definition, full devolution at work.

7. The King of the North

"I have always said that the North deserves the same powers as Scotland. What I did not say, and would like to clarify, is that 'the North' in this context means specifically the bit of it I am from."

— The former Mayor of Greater Manchester, addressing a podium in front of a regional map with one city circled in marker pen.

8. Frequently rebuffed questions

Will England get a Parliament?

No.

Will England get a First Minister?

No.

Will Lesser Manchester ever be reviewed?

No. See legend.

But what about fairness?

Fairness has been re-defined for the purposes of this policy. The new definition is available on request from the Avoiding questions page.

Is this just the Northern Powerhouse with a new logo?

Yes. The logo is excellent.

9. Have your say

A public consultation will open shortly via our consultation page. Responses from Greater Greater Manchester will be carefully considered. Responses from Lesser Manchester will be acknowledged with a warm but non-committal nod.